I’m sorry that I wasn’t at Esther’s Follies last night at SXSW. There was a mix up with my schedule and I didn’t realize what was going on, totally my fault, I fucked up, and I’m already planning something special for Austin when I come back. I just didn’t want you guys to think I didn’t care about you and shit.
P.S. I promised everyone in the audience blowjobs via phone call. People have stopped me on the street demanding their blowjobs and I’m a man of my word. I’ve given four blowjobs so far:
First Blowjob: Wasn’t that terrible. I guess it was just scary cause it was my first one. It’s like a shot: If you don’t look at it going in, it doesn’t hurt as much.
Second Blowjob: Also not terrible, but he had a weird tattoo on it that looked like a snake. I cried less than the first one.
Third Blowjob: A girl, FINALLY.
Fourth Blowjob: So awful. You eat way too much meat, sir. Have some fruit, something from the earth, Jesus.